The Perfect Baby Handbook » Baby Names

Why your baby will grow up to be a Scary Information Glutton

dale — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 03:59:53 +0000

Everyone loves a clairvoyant. Especially when she predicts the future with as much bluster and certainty as Penelope Trunk, who pens a syndicated business column called the “Brazen Careerist”—and focuses her forecasting on one’s own beloved child.

DECISIVE: "Hi Mommy, you're fired."

Trunk’s most recent projection, “What Generation Z will be like at work,” is irresistible. In a nutshell, it seems that your baby is going to grow up to terrify all of his or her older coworkers. Your child won’t be a team player, he’ll process information at “lightning speed,” and he’ll be busy swallowing “neuro-enhancers” (the successors to ADHD medication) that render him even more freakishly intelligent than you’d hoped.

Of course, Trunk’s take is a bit more nuanced than that, and stuffed with highly tempting, occasionally tangential links. For example:

For those of you who doubt the power of naming, check this out: If your name begins with a K you will strike out more often in baseball. If your name begins with a letter toward the end of the alphabet you could be economically penalized.

Don’t you want to know how an X name will lead to economic penalty? I did!

Until I discovered that the explanation is overly wonky and heavy on unzippy terms like “alphabetical discrimination.” That said, I did learn that children whose full names reduce down to “negative initials,” such as P.I.G. and B.U.M. are “especially likely to die from psychological causes, such as suicides and self-inflicted accidents.” Fun fact!

So many Michaels, so many Jacksons

dale — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 03:36:07 +0000

Whatever else you think about Michael Jackson, you must admit that he was wildly creative—except when it came to naming his offspring. As the Washington Post notes:

Jackson is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince “Blanket” Michael Jackson II. (emphasis c/o Google News)

REMEMBER MY NAME: Eldest Michael, youngest Michael, and girl Michael.

What will happen to these three monotonously christened people, the ultimate symbol of narcissistic parenting? Which one will change his or her name to Kevin or Sarah or Kevin-Sarah-Tito first? Sad, sad, and sad.

Choosing a perfect baby name: A Bonus Excerpt

dale — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 03:36:24 +0000

Readers of this blog have made one thing clear: They love insights into the risky business of naming newborns. This isn’t surprising. While writing The Perfect Baby Handbook, I came to understand how the pressure to select an extraordinary baby name can unhinge a well-balanced adult to the point where he or she considers “Aloysius Cucumber” a “guy’s-guy” name. In this bonus Q&A from the book, I look at common issues that arise.

VOWELS: An attractive part of many up 'n' coming names

When it comes to baby names, it’s often said the wrong choice will doom an infant to a life of misery, social failure, and garages with just one door. That’s only 99 percent true. One child named “Dusty” went on to achieve a two-car garage with a nice weathervane, while another christened “Weeza” is only intermittently miserable. So don’t stress. The truth is, naming a child is a wonderful experience with only 11 crucial factors to consider. Let’s start with the basics.

Are vowels really necessary?
While we all know happy, gifted children called Mrk, Alxndr, and Bth, these kids sound constipated when called upon to identify themselves. By simply adding vowels to such names, you get the more musical variants: Mirk, Aloxeendry, and Boaith.

What about consonants? Suddenly, I’m seeing them in every second baby’s name.
Admittedly, a few trendy consonants such as B, C, D, J, K, L, M, N, P, Q, R, S, T, W, and Z have become ubiquitous. However, others such as F, G, H, and V are eagerly waiting to step in. As a fresher alternative to “Mike,” consider “Vife.”

What makes a name perfect?
It should connote adequate soccer skills. And glory.

Is that all?
No. To paraphrase Jane Austen, the perfect name must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages; and besides all this, a certain something in its air and manner of walking. “Barry,” for instance.

How many letters should a perfect name contain?
Ideally, nine. Some examples: “Sebastian,” “Elizabeth,” and “Chloeeeee.”

Wouldn’t it be great if my wife and I combined our first names into one perfect baby moniker?
Yes, absolutely, if your name is “C” and your wife’s is “Atherine.” If, however, her name is “Ass” and yours is “Hole,” proceed with caution. Very few people can pronounce “Holeass” correctly.

We like the upbeat, confident “Almighty” (for a girl) but worry it might sound too stuck-up. Any advice?
Soften it with a demure middle name, such as “Rose” or “Being.”

Black lady soberly laments “ghetto baby names”

dale — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:38:01 +0000

In this thoughtful video, one African-American expresses her conflicted feelings about names such as Bonquisha, Laquitta, and Dayquona—while ripping paper into shreds:

Perfect baby names: “Eighmee” vs. “Amy”

dale — Tue, 26 May 2009 02:30:18 +0000

Back from Canada. The staff at Perfect Baby Handbook HQ on Montague Street greeted me with a sign that read: “Welcome home, Dhale!”—a sly reference to the time I tried to convince my high school teachers to spell my first name with an “h.” (“Dale” was too boring, I felt and I’d just watched a TV show about fashion designer Jhane Barnes who specialized in unlikely and unsettling fabric patterns) Bad idea; merciless friends teased me about my exotic new moniker, mispronouncing it “Duh-HALE.”

SPELL BLINDING: An anonymous 2008 poll

It seems I was just a few years ahead of my time. According to a new study co-authored by Jean Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University who analyzed more than 325 million names forced upon infants between 1980 and 2000, the trend for “uncommon” baby names, including painfully creative spellings, began in the mid-80s. She views it as unhealthy:

Twenge, who recently co-wrote the book “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement,” said the unbridled desire for uniqueness can be a cause for concern.“The parental attitude of ‘I want to make up a name for my kid that no one else has’ [suggests] the same kind of parent that might want to put a kid on a pedestal” and teach them that being special is the most important thing, Twenge said…”At the base, the problem is if you feel unique and special, you expect special treatment.”

After reading up on the study, I asked a few oddly named narcissists to comment:

“Bullshit! You can’t accuse us of obsessing about our uniqueness. We’re far more interested in “unykenass.” —Mckinzie and Makynze Davies (a Dayton, Ohio-based pair of twins)

“My failure to develop a best-selling breakfast cereal and subsequent decision to spend decades gazing at myself in three-way mirrors has absolutely nothing to do with my name.” —Toehnee the Tiger

“To be put on a pedestal? I should be so lucky!”—The Thinquer, not to be confused with The Thinker.

Update:
Parents fight to name their baby “Q”

Insider baby-naming secrets, part II: Movie titles

dale — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:30:08 +0000

One of the most popular sections of the The Perfect Baby Handbook are the tips on finding unexpected sources (such as the Ikea Catalog) for unique baby names on page 6. Here’s another bonus list: Names derived from the annals of motion pictures with single-word titles. (Remember that a source can easily yield both winner and loser names, so be discriminating.)

Perfect One-Word-Movie-Title Baby Names

WINNER: A respected indie name.

• Anastacia
• Dune
• Jezebel
• Magnolia
• Maverick
• Oliver!
• Rashomon
• Rebecca
• Ronin
• Rushmore
• Sabrina
• Saratoga
• Solaris
• Topaz

Imperfect One-Word-Movie-Title Baby Names

LOSER: Why the long face?

• Alien
• Cujo
• Firestarter
• Flipper
• Help!
• It
• Octopussy
• Orca
• Pumpkinhead
• Shaft
• Seabiscuit
• Scarface
• Titanic
• Yentl

Which baby names ensure success? Ask Dr. Mehrabian!

dale — Tue, 12 May 2009 23:20:10 +0000

A perfect baby name predestines success without giving off the stench of banality. At least, that was my theory when I began researching The Perfect Baby Handbook. But I needed proof. Luckily, I stumbled upon “Baby Name Report Card: Beneficial and Harmful Baby Names,” a qualitative analysis based on large-scale surveys conducted over 10 years by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a professor emeritus at UCLA. (I realize this sounds fishy—me being a Dale Hrabi and him a Mehrabian—but I’m not making this up.)

HE THAT SHALL BE NAMED: Dr. Albert Mehrabian

The doctor was demanding $26 for his study (dated 2002), which seemed rip-offish. Still, as a journalist, I didn’t hesitate: What if my own name had been insidiously harming me all these years?

A convincingly nerdy looking CD arrived in the mail. Fascinating. Dr. Mehrabian’s team had asked people to rate thousands of names (from 0 to 100) on four scales: ethical/caring, popular/fun, successful, and masculine/feminine. I quickly located the data on “Dale.” Cringe: 50 on ethics? A bleak 43 on popular/fun, a measly 36 on the success scale and I can’t talk about the rest. In short, my parents predestined me to be a boring, androgynous failure with iffy morals.

Here’s the good news: I’m going to save you 26 bucks by revealing the top 10 most and least “successful” names for boys and girls circa 2002, according to Mehrabian and crew:

WINNER: "Jacqueline"

Top 10 Girl Names “That Connote a Successful Person”: 1. Jacqueline. 2. Morgan. 3. Elizabeth. 4. Katherine. 5. Victoria. 6. Lauraine. 7. Susan. 8. Catherine. 9. Kate. 10. Madeleine. Note: Madeleine and Morgan, both perceived as glory-bound, tanked on the popular/fun scale. And no, I can’t explain Lauraine.

Top 10 Girl Names That Connote Failure: 1. Wilma. 2. Weeza. 3. Virgie. 4. Trixie. 5. Tina. 6. Swoosie. 7. Suzee. 8. Soosie. 9. Sissy. 10. Mush. Note: Runners-up include Siouxsie, but not her Banshees.

WINNER? "Ross"

Top 10 Boy Names “That Connote a Successful Person”: 1. Steven. 2. Ross. 3. Christopher. 4. James. 5. Robert 6. David. 7. Kenneth. 8. Parker. 9. Thomas. 10. Madison. Note: The high ranking of “Madison” seems suspiciously 2002. Also: Ross? Did none of the survey takers watch “Friends”?

Top 10 Boy Names That Connote a Washed-up Loser: 1. Rufus. 2. Rude. 3. Butch. 4. Angel. 5. Alfie. 6. Garee (Gary). 7. Normee. 8. Bud. 9. Petie. 10. Phonso. Note: So if you really want to screw your kid, just name him “Rude Butch Angel.”

Perfect Backlash: The “Orphan” Trailer

dale — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 05:58:40 +0000

“I guess I’m different,” says Esther, the eerily precocious child at the center of this upcoming horror film (July 7), explaining why she prefers to paint industriously instead of partying with less focused kids. And by “different,” she’s not just referring to her tenacious love of Victorian black-velvet chokers.

ESTHER: Superb concentration skills

Described as “extraordinary” and “mature for her age,” she appears to be developmentally advanced. Her name, Esther, derived from the Persian word for “star,” is a typical perfect-baby name—conspicuously out-of-fashion yet regal. Think Baby Names lists “Staria” as an alternative.

Yet, apparently, there’s something wrong with Esther. Yeah, like she’s nuts. Prone to Shiva-like temper tantrums. Ill-disposed towards toilet paper. And quite possibly murderous. “You’ll never guess her secret,” the trailer taunts. (Except you probably will. Or will accidentally read a spoiler, as I did.)

It’s easy to read this movie as a backlash against the sort of slightly alien, overachieving, over-pressured, over-dressed children that have become increasingly common—in the same way that 1973’s The Exorcist has been interpreted as a manifestation of anxiety over rising rates of divorce (and what it “does to the children”).

Something tells me that Malia and Sasha will not be seeing Orphan.

The endearing quirks of the Nymbler “baby namer”

dale — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:11:15 +0000

Have you tried the Nymbler “baby-namer” on Babble.com? I’m quite obsessed with this interactive name-suggestion generator. While it’s not quite as visually trippy as the NameVoyager (with its rippling pink-and-blue infographics so reminiscent of a Pucci print), the Nymbler is far more eccentric.

GIL THE TIGER: If Nymber had its way!

While spitting out a predictable array of Brandons, Wyatts, and Emmas, it will suddenly throw in an exotic Azuka or a dusty, anachronistic Doris. Where else, outside of a Michael Chabon novel (or an elite NYC pre-school), does a Jane rub shoulders with a Romeo, an Isis, a Max, and a Kenyatta?

That said, what I love most about Nymbler are its wildly uneven attempts to offer up names that are “similar in style” to one you’ve chosen. Usually, these alternatives make perfect sense. “Timothy” and “Andrew” are akin, stylistically, to “Michael.” But, now and then, Nymbler goes a bit nuts. Some of its more peculiar pronouncements:

• “Other names that are similar in style to Sarah: Elisheva, Jerusha.” Okay, all three are Biblical, but are parents who are thinking Sarah—as in Sarah McLaughlin—likely to name their kid after the missionary in James Michener’s novel Hawaii?

• “Other names that are similar in style to Stone: Sinbad, Tito.” When I read this I pictured impassive TV anchorman Stone Phillips. He is so not a Tito.

• “Other names that are similar in style to Jami: Charlotte, Bernadette.” This just doesn’t compute: “Jami” is all tomboyish, Bionic Woman, the type of girl Ally Sheedy plays in War Games. Charlotte is a Bronte; Bernadette is a nun. While nuns can be tomboyish, there is no such thing as a Bionic Bronte. Apologize, Nymbler!

• “Other names that are similar in style to Tony: Gil, Tip.” Gil the Tiger? Tip Soprano? Nymbler, what are you smoking?

• “Other names that are similar in style to Lynn: Warren, Carl.” Maybe…as endearments in a women’s prison.

• “Other names that are similar in style to Dale: Antonia, Ricky.” As a Dale and a guy, I take this personally. Ricky? I feel so cheap. And what does Antonia have to do with valleys, or corn-fed Southern boys.

Update: Friend-of-PBH Marjorie Ingall reports that, since reading this post, she’s been seeing the name “Jerusha” so often (most recently in reference to the children’s classic, Daddy Long-Legs, which features one Jerusha Abbott) that she feels she’s losing her grip on reality. Nymbler, do something!

Insider baby-naming secrets, part I

dale — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 06:20:47 +0000

One of the more popular parts of the The Perfect Baby Handbook, it seems, are the tips on finding unexpected sources for unique baby names on p. 6. Those readers who’ve been pleading for more, equally sound advice on this topic are in luck: When writing the book, I researched several extra lists that didn’t ultimately fit because—for reasons I still don’t understand—book pages are not as large as Persian carpets. Today’s bonus moniker mine: The works of William Shakespeare! (Remember that for every perfect baby name a source yields, an imperfect name is lurking seductively, so beware.)

Perfect Shakespearean Baby Names

WINNER: A Midsummer's Night Name.

• Balthazar
• Bianca
• Conrade
• Cordelia
• Cymbeline
• Edmund
• Grandpré
• Helena
• Iris
• Oberon
• Octavia
• Olivia
• Patience
• Portia
• Prospero
• Sebastian

Imperfect Shakespearean Baby Names

BEASTLY ALTERNATIVE: Less appealing.

• Abhorson
• Cobweb
• Curio
• Dorcus
• Dull
• Elbow
• Floritzel
• Fluellen
• Froth
• Goneril
• Mopsa
• Pinch
• Scarus
• Shallow
• Snout
• Violenta