The Perfect Baby Handbook » Infant Development

Why your baby will grow up to be a Scary Information Glutton

dale — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 03:59:53 +0000

Everyone loves a clairvoyant. Especially when she predicts the future with as much bluster and certainty as Penelope Trunk, who pens a syndicated business column called the “Brazen Careerist”—and focuses her forecasting on one’s own beloved child.

DECISIVE: "Hi Mommy, you're fired."

Trunk’s most recent projection, “What Generation Z will be like at work,” is irresistible. In a nutshell, it seems that your baby is going to grow up to terrify all of his or her older coworkers. Your child won’t be a team player, he’ll process information at “lightning speed,” and he’ll be busy swallowing “neuro-enhancers” (the successors to ADHD medication) that render him even more freakishly intelligent than you’d hoped.

Of course, Trunk’s take is a bit more nuanced than that, and stuffed with highly tempting, occasionally tangential links. For example:

For those of you who doubt the power of naming, check this out: If your name begins with a K you will strike out more often in baseball. If your name begins with a letter toward the end of the alphabet you could be economically penalized.

Don’t you want to know how an X name will lead to economic penalty? I did!

Until I discovered that the explanation is overly wonky and heavy on unzippy terms like “alphabetical discrimination.” That said, I did learn that children whose full names reduce down to “negative initials,” such as P.I.G. and B.U.M. are “especially likely to die from psychological causes, such as suicides and self-inflicted accidents.” Fun fact!

The hottest baby invention of 1945: The lab-rat crib!

dale — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 03:54:33 +0000

Cozy-looking, isn’t it? Conceived by Harvard behavioral psychologist, BF Skinner, for his second child, Deborah, this “crib” was born of the best intentions. Observing the heavy toll his wife’s parenting regimen took on her, Skinner set out to simplify it. Though not by pitching in himself…

HOME, SICK, HOME: Climate controlled!

He created this baby-sized room, known as the “Baby Tender,” in which the new infant could live—more or less continuously. Sound-proofed, self-cleaning, and climate-controlled (“78 degrees, with a relative humidity of 50 percent”), it reduced the family’s laundry load: “Why not dispense with clothing altogether,” Skinner posited, “except for the diaper and warm the space in which the baby lives?”

Too warm? Cool it down before little Deborah fusses or cries, vastly reducing Mrs. Skinner’s need to soothe her. (Scroll down for a touching image of mother, child, and box.)

The crisply designed “apparatus” got a bad rap right from the start. When Skinner enthusiastically but nerdily outlined its merits for the Ladies Home Journal in 1945, the article, titled “Baby in a Box,” raised eyebrows. Since BF’s other big invention was a case for testing animals (and rewarding them with food-pellets), people assumed the worst.

Rumors flourished that baby Deborah, “locked” in her box, failed to appreciate its comforts. According to the stories, she promptly became psychotic, growing up to sue her father and commit suicide.

Not so, declared a distinctly undead Deborah decades later, in a spirited defense of her father’s methods published in the (U.K.) Guardian.

Still, it’s easy to see how folks got the wrong idea. When Skinner published his Journal piece, Deborah had been in the “Baby Tender” box for 11 months, and, as he noted, not everyone sensed its brilliance:

A few critics have objected that they would not like to live in such a compartment—they feel that it would stifle them or give them claustrophobia. The baby obviously does not share in this opinion. The compartment is well-ventilated and more spacious than a Pullman berth, considering the size of the occupant.

Another early objection was that the baby would be socially starved and robbed of the affection and mother love, which she needs. This has simply not been true. The compartment does not ostracize the baby. The large window is no more of a social barrier than the bars of a crib.

Despite its roominess and obvious potential to increase his daughter’s social circle, the box, he admitted, was hardly a long-term solution:

How long do we intend to keep the baby in the compartment?….almost certainly until she is two years old, or perhaps three.

Even then, once Deborah had achieved the “wider range and variety of behavior” that comes from living without clothing—”our baby acquitted an amusing, almost apelike skill in the use of her feet”—the plan was to let her wander away from the prototype occasionally and really see the world:

After the first year, she will spend a fair part of each day in a playpen…

Or even “outdoors.” Rechristened the Aircrib when it was commercially produced in 1957, Skinner’s box mysteriously failed to catch on.

SKINNER'S CRIB IN ACTION: Note slide-out tray, pivoting display-case window, and little Deborah's evident bliss.

(Via DaddyTypes, via BoingBoing)

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“The Best Kids’ Books Ever”—as chosen, in a willy-nilly manner, by Nicholas D. Kristof

dale — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 03:59:13 +0000

I.Q. PROTECTION: Buy now!

Want to scare parents? Claim that their children’s brains start disintegrating every July, unless the kids are pried away from computers, televisions—and (presumably) diving boards and climb-able trees—and forced to read the 13 children’s books that New York Times’ op-ed columnist, Nicholas D. Kristof, vaguely remembers from his boyhood, or has read to his own kids. He’s horrified by this inevitable cerebral rot:

I was aghast to learn that American children drop in I.Q. each summer vacation — because they aren’t in school or exercising their brains.

Unsurprisingly, his totally unmethodical list, titled “The Best Kids’ Books Ever,” currently tops the “most emailed” story ranking on the Times’ website, as in “Oh my god, Gerald, our offspring’s brains are in jeopardy. Please pick up all 397 titles in the Hardy Boys series—including the graphic novels Abracadeath and Dude Ranch O’ Death! on your way home from the office.”

Yes, bizarrely, lazily, Kristof feels the Hardy Boys belong in the pantheon of children’s literature*:

Yes, I hear the snickers. But I devoured them myself and have known so many kids for whom these were the books that got them excited about reading. The first in the series is weak, but “House on the Cliff” is a good opener.

if Kristof’s list had been called: “Crappy Books that Get Children Reading, Which is a Good Thing in the Grander Scheme of Things,” fine. But I’ve read The House on the Cliff. Recently. I went through a masochistic phase where I wanted to understand the historic appeal of formulaic children’s mysteries, from Judy Bolton to Trixie Belden. (For a fascinating, insider look into just how soullessly the Hardy books, along with The Bobbsey Twins and the [more defensible, proto-feminist] Nancy Drew series, were churned out, read Leslie Garis’ devastating memoir, The House of Happy Endings.)

And if you really want to give your kids a persuasive reason to avoid stupidity, have them read the transcript of Sarah Palin’s resignation speech.

*Kristof, whose middle name is Donabet, also likes Charlotte’s Web. If you have several spare hours, check out the 2000-plus reader comments his hit-and-miss list inspired.

Why Evian’s roller-skating babies terrify me

dale — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 03:47:04 +0000

Already a YouTube phenomenon, this new Evian commercial suggests that mineral water is so rejuvenating, it will transform you into a vaguely thuggish, roller-skating infant.

Evian clearly thinks this ad sets new standards of cuteness. These babies redefine precocity and outshine squirrels for agility as they one-up each other with funky roller moves—a reference to the late-70s jam skating scene in New York’s Central Park, set to the 1979 hit, “Rapper’s Delight.”

And it is freaky-cute, up to a point. Namely 00:26, when several of the babies leap in the air and cling to a wire fence like rabid dingoes who’ve watched West Side Story (or Thriller or The Lost Boys) a few too many times. And then it dawns on you: These babies have no parents. Why?! Have they perhaps killed their parents?

OVERSIGHT Responsible parenting in action

Who will stop these bundles of roller-skating joy if they turn rogue and swarm out of the park? If they begin leaping on cars and roller-skating their way up the Empire State Building? Will the U.S. Air Force be able to neutralize them in time? (Compare this illustration, right, from page 66 of my book, The Perfect Baby Handbook—although this infant is also dangerously mobile, at least his flustered dad is attempting to supervise him.)

On another level, the Evian commercial disturbs me because it suggests just how ruthlessly the new generation of aggressively educated, genius-ified babies may render the rest of us obsolete. Of course, it may not be too late.

New toy lets toddlers start “texting,” if not “sexting”

dale — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 03:20:18 +0000

Okay, so this is disturbingly bone-headed: Tomorrow, the edutainment company Leapfrog begins shipping the new “Text & Learn,” a new Blackberry-like toy that lets kids “ages 3 to 6″ pretend to text-message:

UNPRODUCTIVE : "Text & Learn"

Text and Learn [says Leapfrog] is designed to let little learners play in a grown-up way! Children can exchange text messages with their puppy pal Scout, check Scout’s planner to see what his week entails and more….

In light of the whole “sexting” panic, doesn’t Leapfrog realize that parents might be wary of a puppy who urges children to text in a “grown-up” way?

And, even if Scout’s intentions are honorable, why is his agenda so full? Do toddlers really need to learn about scheduling conflicts? What sort of parent exposes his child to a Type-A puppy?

But let’s not be silly: If nothing else, toddlers lucky enough to own a “Text & Learn” will soon outstrip their peers when it comes to the important skills of texting when they should be sleeping and creating arcane codes to let each other know you’re in the room.

Is your child gifted—or just unappealing? A checklist

dale — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:51:07 +0000

A KEY INDICATOR: Glum bicep flexing.

In this competitive era, parents are naturally curious to determine whether their child is destined to freakishly overachieve—or just to stare resentfully at his imported wooden toys. Luckily, the Internet offers various checklists for giftedness.

Though most paint a picture of a driven knowledge seeker, one such list, created by The New South Wales Association for Gifted and Talented Children includes less obviously desirable traits. According to NSWAGTC, you can tell a kid is special if she:

• “Asks many questions of a provocative nature.”
• “Is uninhibited in expression, sometimes radical.”
• “Tends to dominate peers and situations.”
• “Is considered, and perhaps resented, by some peers, as ‘crazy’.”
• “Is an entrepreneur—readily makes money on various projects or activities.”

Note that this hectoring, dominant, apparently imbalanced child must seek profit “readily.” No begrudging capitalism allowed.

Britney Spears’ sons: Are poppin’ dance skills an inherited trait?

dale — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 01:50:32 +0000

Nature vs. nurture department: Here, we have a video of Britney’s offspring, Sean Preston and Jayden James, spontaneously dancing to “Toxic” during London rehearsals for her European tour. I think you’ll agree that both boys have a precocious gift for choreography: Jayden strikes a killer pose at 00:10, while Sean executes a tricky crissy-cross leg thrust at 00:30 that most children his age (3.5 years) could only dream of. To what can we attribute this advanced ability: DNA or constant exposure to a gyrating mom?

Perfect toy of the week: The wall of fabric dolls

dale — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:15:55 +0000

The current obsession with over-achieving parenting has yielded at least one good thing: some beautifully overachieving toys. Rarely before have children’s products been so well-designed. My favorite current example: The reusable fabric wall stickers created by the Australians behind Mae—especially this completely cool update on paper dolls.

READY TO WEAR: The building blocks of wall-based style

Ingenious: The persistent problem with paper dolls, of course, is their terrible posture—a consequence of having a 2-ply spine. Playing with the floppier versions is like playing with an alcoholic. Mae’s variation lets your kid stick the doll forms to a wall, and then fluidly shift bits of hair and fashion on and off them like Tom Cruise manipulating his spooky touchscreen in Minority Report.

TOMNIPOTENCE: Cruise plays with his wall of dolls in Minority Report.

And look at some of the cool ladies that can be compiled. Though, admittedly, not cheaply ($115, plus shipping.)

DRESS FOR SUCCESS: Teach your child the value of bunny ears.

A stern warning for parents about a certain American Idol

dale — Fri, 15 May 2009 03:58:37 +0000

Here at Perfect Baby Handbook HQ, we have a short list of banned words. The first is “Danny.” The second is “Gokey.” Consequently, we’ve been forced to exult in the downfall of a certain “American Idol” contestant through the use of coded hand gestures. Our hands are aching…so much to discuss.

NON-IDOL: Child-rearing error

After all, the key “Idol” themes—destiny, giftedness, omnipresent parental support—are all new-parent obsessions. And this Milwaukee native is, arguably, a perfect baby gone very wrong and a cautionary tale for moms and dads everywhere. He was born with talent, innate confidence, and (if you squint) a slight resemblance to Robert Downey, Jr. Unfortunately, someone failed to instill him with humility, self-awareness, or good taste in eyewear. I mean, look at these. Really?

And now he wants to parlay his reputation as an ugly-spectacles connoisseur and shameless freebies glutton into a post-Idol career:

“I started in the beginning with 15 [pairs], but I have about 50 or more!” he said in a conference call Thursday. “Glasses have rained from the sky! I want to start a Danny line – or a Gokey line – one of these days.”

Don’t let this happen to your child.

Superior dad-blog alert: “1001 rules for my unborn son”

dale — Thu, 14 May 2009 03:59:04 +0000

I read somewhere recently that over 18 million mommies blog, collectively contributing 97 million exclamation marks to the web each day. Daddy-blogs aren’t in short supply, either, but 1001 rules for my unborn son stands out. Whoever is amassing this agreeably terse checklist has a terrific knack for pairing words with pictures:

Sometimes the words are sentimental. More often not: Rule 314—“If your art is bad, make it bigger”—prefaces a photo of accomplished oversized-canvas-defacer Julian Schnabel. I can’t get behind the limitations the author places on the use of a chisel or his command to worship Bob Seger’s “Hollywood Nights.” And some entries are too Esquire magazine for me—308. “Invest in great luggage. You never know where you’ll end up”—but, even then, hilarious photo-juxtapositions deflate the snoot factor.

Okay, so I found out who’s doing this. No surprise why it’s so visually sophisticated: The blogger is Walker Lamond, a notable writer and documentary filmmaker who’s married to an aerospace engineer! Not that having a NASA-esque wife ensures visual acumen.

Also unsurprising: Even though Mr. Lamont is only up to rule 368 so far, 1001 rules for my unborn son is soon to be a book.