Sample The Book

Click any of these model children for an excerpt from The Perfect Baby Handbook

Ensure your infant sleeps all night with these cutting-edge European methods

Camouflage the figure problems of the recently born with expert fashion tips

Want to raise an infant who’s anything but routine? Adopt this daily agenda

The new secret to finding a bewilderingly special moniker for your child

My new-parent friends were going nuts coping with the increasing societal pressures to raise this mythological ideal child. I thought they could use some comic relief.
Q: Did it ever occur to you that your friends might want a mythological child? Like a very young Poseidon?: You’ve got me there. Perhaps I’ve been presumptuous.

–Valerie and Misha Borodin of Seattle, Washington

Most experts define a perfect baby as “a superior infant whose name is either Ava or Bartholomew.”
Q: Isn’t that definition a bit narrow?: Yes. That’s why Dr. Martholobew Smith, an associate professor at Yale University, insists that a “perfect baby” is simply a child who’s been given every opportunity to pursue flawlessness and a doctorate at Yale.

–Peter K. Ninton of Brooklyn, New York

That depends: Do you have a baby?
Q: Yes.: And a passing interest in perfection?
Q: Me? Nah.: Are you sure?
Q: Hold on, let me ask my wife: Honey, do I have an interest in perfection? Uh-huh…oh, right. [Pause.] Apparently, I once spent eleven hours getting ready for a movie.: What was the issue?
My hair wouldn’t lie flat.: In that case, this is the book for you.

Try Amazon, or IndieBound.com to find an independent bookstore near you.
Q. If necessary, we are prepared to pay with priceless artifacts that our Spanish ancestors plundered from the Aztecs.: Cash or a credit card would be just fine.

–Heather Flann of Toronto, Ontario

Very little but, just in case, I’d refer you to the section called “How to Tell if Your Friends Are Just Saying That.”